This baby has been showered with love/champagne/ridiculously cute presents and cupcakes – and suddenly it all feels incredibly real – more real than it ever did before. We have a draw of nappies and baby wipes dammit – it’s really happening. It’s not just soft toys and onesies anymore.
I am 85% bursting with pure excitement and anticipation at meeting this little being of ours.
I am 10% nervous about the significant life change we are about to go through – we are a spontaneous, social couple and I know we are going to have to adapt when this baby comes along, which is fine.
And I am 5% completely (and utterly) terrified of the birth– so much so that most nights I will lie there just imagining the birth and all the things that could potentially occur.
I’m scared about my waters breaking in a public place – will I be at the counter in shop about to pay an overly posh saleswoman for my scented candle when boom – I’ve wet myself?
I’m scared that when I go into labor my husband will be stuck in the operating theatre and I’ll struggle to get hold of him furiously trying to explain to the nurses who pick up his phone (between contractions) that I’m about to have his child and could someone calmly communicate this to the man operating on another human?
And I can make myself absolutely petrified if I relive my obstetrics rotation years ago and think of all the things I saw (which I now wish I hadn’t) – gosh the memories are VIVID!
BUT… our obstetrician, who is a calm guru (thank goodness) and very apt at dealing with 2 pedantic doctors who ask the weirdest most intricate questions – has put my mind at peace. And keeps reminding me that there are lots of factors at play here and I certainly can’t control all of them.
And that’s the truth isn’t it? I have very little control over this whole ‘birthing’ process – the baby’s position, when I go into labour, where my waters will break, how the baby will descend, how my body will take the whole process– all out of my control. And honestly, that gives me some peace knowing that I’ll do my bit (with my husband’s support), the baby will do his/her’s and the obstetrician will nail it.
For a woman who normally likes TOTAL control with an intricately planned path I’ve had to accept on this one I just can’t have it my way. It’s been a struggle but I think I’m officially at the point of “what will be will be” with just a touch of “but if there are things I can control (like my music playlist and the drugs I receive in labour) then I will dammit” -and I think that’s the perfect mix for now!!